静けさ | tranquility

A kind of calmness came over me, and I recognised it with a slight surprise. That sensation was through my body and mind while I opened the packages delivered this morning, put away the cardboards and rapping papers, and made swags I made with dried flowers for my room’s adornment. Normally, I would feel a rush of anxiety and a sense of restlessness and couldn’t enjoy at all the process. What would be left afterwards would be the same anxiety and restlessness, and so I would get more anxious and feel that nothing has become better despite my intervention to the reality. Anxiety, I reckon, has a unique time signature. It deprives you of the sense that time, therefore any matters including yourself, flows in being. The everyday life proves it; even if you don’t seem to do anything significant to the environment, dust and moll in your room will be noticeable unless you clean them. It shows that there’s movement in a given space and that it consists of you and many other elements that you have interacted with.

I made sure today, though I must have considered this sort of message banal if I had seen it in social media, that it is immensely important for yourself that YOU invest some time to do something meaningful FOR YOURSELF, where the the time you spend should be enough to acknowledge it is really meaningful and that your decision to spend time on it as well as to do whatever you have chosen to put into practice means something to you. It gives you an existential ground where, since you have just opted to do something significant for yourself, you realise you can actually handle your life the way you hope. It is a practice of getting back a sense of subjectivity. Depression takes this away while you’re suffocated by your own practice of excessive passivity where everything that you do to the world and that you’re surrounded by appears to you as something determines what you are, hence your incapacity to deal with what you face at your own will. Perhaps recognising the meaningfulness of your own doing to your existence could be a way of diverting from an everlasting spiral of self-harming thinking.

Hung a rug on the wall behind my monitor, and decorate the curtain rails with swags of dried flowers. I haven’t been able to find the right kind of beddings, so I need to keep working on it; yet, my room seems to have been improving gradually. I also looked into supplements to support my nutritions intake for a fair amount of time while listening to The Spoon’s album, and managed to buy a few that I chose to try. This action made me realise that I’ve forgotten that I payed insufficient attention to my health and that my mind has been preoccupied with the price of stuff. I have to admit that I could have made better decisions, so I will make them from now onward. Alas! I’m shocked how life only grows little by little.