journal

It is incredibly draining. I thought today that I have not lost my appetite for creating stuff; I have just long been addicted to the neural stimulation given by social media. I really, really want to get out of this state. I got a book called “Hard to Break: Why Our Brains Make Habits”. I will give it a read and see what I can do, for a start.

I attended protests in Japan three times in the last few weeks. I chose to show up because I would have liked to know what I would feel when being a part of protesters. I wanted to know my opinions against the government that would come out of my mouth in reaction to other protesters’ presence and voices.

The protests were all held against the political activity (as well as inactivity) of the current ruling party, Liberal Democratic Party, and lots of misconducts that they have been denying or avoiding giving decent explanations (which has to lead immediately to the resignation of many of its members). I think it is astonishing that they keep its name today, for what they are doing represents absolutely nothing whatsoever that could be conceived of associated with it.

Seeing the news on social media and a newspaper, I thought they were going to kill the population. It might not be their purpose, but it definitely is part of the blue print for how they want to dominate the nation. They keep insisting that they would like to radically change the constitution, specifically the part that argues for perpetual protection of human rights as well as renunciation of military force of any kind. It has not been realised yet, but it would be no surprise that it comes true in a month, witnessing a number of outrageous bills passed on as easily as the flow of a river. A bill that tries to amend the constitution in such a way that under a given emergent circumstance (whose definition will be up to the government), they restrict the basic rights of the population such as the right for vote, a bill that allows the government to collect private information of individuals and pass on to US companies at their request, a bill that forbids damaging the Japanese national flag in any way, to name a few. Clearly, they intend to recreate the situation right before the World War II. Yet, unbelievably, they keep pretending that they do not. I cannot help but feel this cannot be real.

At the protests I attended, I saw people who seemed to have varied backgrounds. At the first protest I showed up, which took place in front of the National Diet Building, I listened to a woman’s speech. To my recollection, she listed the problems Takaichi never takes accountability for, and then quoted Gandhi. The quote was about the significance of showing up to a protest, even if it makes any difference right away; he said that it is still significant as one does not only protest to change those in power, but also to protect oneself from the power and know who they are. I think it is the essence of protesting even if you do not have anything that makes sounds or cards with messages. You have hands or skin to clap and voices to say out loud, anyway. More fundamentally, the body of your own shows the fragile, yet tangible, actual, and living being, which cannot be summerised to a number on the statistics or a concept that consists of military force.

There would be little that I can make difference to this. But I need to put myself out there as much as I can and prove that I am, and so are many others. I am against the war.

Nightmare is just around the corner. Living in Japan, I have to stress that this is no joke. It now seems that the government attempts to dominate the whole nation and annihilate the country to contribute to former Unification Church, which is a notorious cult. This is a country that is ruled by a cult. There is no living here. Fucking insane.

A typhoon came to the island, and I worked at home. I cooked for lunch.

Worked too long, I think. I left the office around 10 pm. I happened to know that a colleague of mine was gonna quit n a month or two. On my way home, words flowed out of my mind, which turned into texts on the posts on Twitter. The sensation made me feel strangely high. Ending up feeling anxious and excited, I tried to lessen the stress I felt on my neck and back by playing a synthesiser, but it didn’t work quite well. Needed to know the basics.

I looked up parks in Ota ward in the morning. I felt like going somewhere I can hear the rustling sounds of trees. While browsing the results, it turned out there was one that has a beach. I was not sure if it’s called a beach per se, but it does have sea water coming at the land. Since I just thought the other day that it would be nice to go to sea sometime, this park became the destination for the day.

It took me about 25 minutes to get there by bike. At the park, there were people, mostly families that have small children, enjoying themselves by playing at the beach, having a nap in a tent, blowing bubbles, and so forth. I liked the vibes. I didn’t end up being too self-conscious, which felt rather relieving. I took photos with my camera. It was the first time I could do so without feeling embarrassed or mocked. Some of the photos I took looked pretty decent. Whenever I take photos, whether or not I expect beforehand, some of them often turned out to be rather good. I don’t know if it’d be true when others evaluate it, but it makes me feel like I’m looked after by a god of the photograph. I might be a little to excited about the fact that I was able to use my camera in pubic and the photos actually looked better than I had anticipated.

Can’t recall the name of the cat I lived with in Newhaven.

Tired.

Showed up to the office early, but didn’t have enough time to even start thinking about how I could do my job better. The tranquility unique to early morning lasted only for a minute, and it got busy as if it resumed from the last Friday.

I did my best. Yet, a colleague of mine acted like a prick as per usual. She said the mistake I made embarrassed her and led her to make another mistake, indicating all the mistake were to be attributed to me. What a cunt. Perhaps I should ask her someday what exactly she tries to do when she accuses me of something I have done. From my viewpoint, she only attempts to prove that she is superior to me by convincing that I should feel guilty about my own existence. What seems to underlie her motive is evidently low self-esteem and a view of the world where she barely perceives herself as an individual; in other words, it seems that she doesn’t feel like she holds a space to be amidst thousands of people and is afraid of someone arguing in the face that she doesn’t hold any space. As a result, she can’t help accusing someone nearby when they do something that could undermine their space. I think there is no fucking point in doing so, and it is quite harmful if such behaviour involves others over and over again. She would not stop doing so, however. All I can is just learn a way of psychologically dodging her words and show her that it wouldn’t work anymore.

The weather was great. I wish it lasts for the next 200 years. I played with logic and some new plugins in the morning. Whilst doing so, I sent gifts to my parents and replied to my friend, which took me about 40 minutes. My parents seemed glad, which was nice.

in the afternoon, I went out to buy sponges to do do the dishes. When I bought them at a 100 yen shop in Ikegami, I got curious about what Ikegami station would look like and headed for it. It turned out that the station had a supermarket, a cafe, as well as a library in the upper floor of the building. The cafe was rather roomy, and the library looked new and clean. When i looked for toilet, a male staff member asked me if I was searching for a bathroom and told me the direction. Later in the evening, I found out that I can’t read in my room because I got sleepy; so, it would be a good idea to go to this library when I want to read. I think it’s nice to have a public space to go when you want to get out of the room.

As for music production, I worked on Anya in London, which is a song that I wrote for my friend Anya when I was in the UK. She was unquestionably my best friend at the time. We don’t communicate anymore since she stopped texting me back. Perhaps I ought to send her a message, but I can’t find a reason to force myself to do so. Friendships are fragile. Anyhow, I tried to do the guitar part with my electric guitar and recorded several takes. After that, I felt that it would probably be better to record it with an acoustic one. I’ll give it a try sometime by the next weekend.

Also, I created a new social media account. It’s called a parasaurolophus looking after plants. As I was happy with a plastic figure of parasaurolophus which I bought yesterday, I thought it would be fun to use it as a medium with which to play with social media. I have learned that I’ll be drained if I try to manage social media in order to obtain impressions and followers; therefore, I must have some playful elements within the process of making my own account. I’m not sure what style would actually fit to me yet, but it would always be the first and necessary step to just begin. Hope it turns out well.